Again and again the feeling striking me, attacking me. I wish i could stop all this. I felt so tired. IM TIRED. felt not appreciated. we r jz so different..

Convinced that life in a physical body is meant to be an ecstatic experience.

It's also helpful to realize that this very body that we have, that's sitting right here right now... with its aches and it pleasures... is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive -Pema Chodron-

I live in company with a body, a silent companion, exacting and eternal.

Eugene Delacroix (1798 - 1863)

Love this two quotes. Tiring day. I have not eaten, but i dont feel hungry. All i need now is to rest.
And no matter how it is, i believe in my own body's ability. I can do it. I knew it. I'll pamper my body, by giving her a sufficient rest. Good night to my body. Rest well.

A New Hope

I saw one of my friend's quote ;

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." (Beverly Flanigan)

Well said. Past is past, life have to still go on no matter what. It seem like im still holding on, but frankly, i admit that i still cant find my 100% feelings towards you. Im sorry. Maybe it takes time. It dont really comfort me even though we have this suggestion to look over on you. How long can i control you?

I hope everything which has passed will be the last, and it will never happen again. I really realized that different people has different thinking. Others might be saying 'no, i think you are wrong, or vice versa, but the truth of what happened only god knows. Im still me, and i will still be myself. I wont change because of anyone. That's me. Jess. All i can say is it really depends on future, what will happen next. I do hope that we can get married, who doesnt hope for that, unless that particular person is playing with you.

All i can say i just want to be myself, and i wont change this perception. I will change automatically as i grow elder. So i hope no one will judge anything. I will for sure welcome you if you want to be my listener. We dont force someone to change, it takes time. I guess everyone understand this. If you like yeah you are welcomed. But if you dislike, 'hey i didnt ask you to be here'. Guess it shows what i mean. Im me, i have my own thinking, own perceptions.

Okay back to the topic, I love you, and i hope you will never hurt me again. Thats all. smple message from me.

Im awake

Im not going to change my mind anymore. No more. For what you have done, i have tried to forgive, and forget many times. I hope that im wrong, but people is estimating that, because you and she doing so and saying so. I dont care what is your connection between you both. I dont care if you told others about our relationship. I hope im wrong that mostly your so called girl friends are all great "sluts" who wish to destroy other people's relationship.

I will never change my mind , no matter how good you will be. After all it depend on my feelings. I hope that i will not got fed up with you. I still hope that i can treat you good but there's no guarantee. I will let you go if you want. Always remember that God loves you and He created us, therefore u should learn not to hurt God's creation as how you wish that I wont hurt you. God bless you.

p/s: IT HURTS ME. THANK YOU AND NOW IM AWAKE.

Let bygones be bygones

Sometimes i really dont understand what humans want. When somebody is doing things which you dislike, u mock, u blame, somehow you dont feel happy with it. And when that person realized it, and she wish to change everything, that's the time you don't want her to change. you want her to control you, you want her to love you.. Isn't that unfair? well, what i can say is past is past, now is now, and future is future. I am myself, is not that i don't give you chances, and if i really don't, i will just leave you.

The fact is, i don't want to turn back to the last pit that we had stopped, but yet, i wish to move on to a better n more comfortable pit. I found it useless to do all that silly things, to control you and everything. Frankly, i am much more comfortable now compared to last time. I will not control you, go ahead and whatever you like, and if you wish to leave me, than just do it. I will not stop you. Is just that i wish that you can treat your partner better in future. Try telling truth instead of telling lies.

I guess you know im already get tired with it. I do not want to hear your reasons anymore, and i do not wish to know whatever u dont wish to tell me. I guess that is better that way. Both has their own limits, their own way of living, and their own privacy. I will know what i shall do next. My thought before this was to able to be together with someone, we need to learn to share. "Sharing is Caring".

Couples should share everything. If not, why some of them is having sex? Isn't that the most important element of privacy? However, my thought started to change. I will not share everything with you anymore. Whatever i think i should tell, I will tell. Same goes to if i dont think its necessary to tell, I wont. I think its better this way, even though you dislike it and regretted it. All i can say is im sorry im not Jesus Christ.

Is not that i don't forgive you, I do, its just the matter of patience. I will uphold for this relationship as long as i could, but however, patience has its limit. Everyone understand that. Tiring to hear all reasons and nonsense. No more

p/s: to love someone is not just to be able to make him/her to trust you, to love someone is how sharing and caring you are to him/her. to love someone you should learn to comprehend his/her thought and actions.

If you dont, than i dont think its love. Its selfish if your thought is not to let your beloved to stay in comfort. Its selfish if you keep hurting her over and over again. Think about it.

Patience Has Its Limit

I dont want to listen to your reasons anymore, because im extremely tired with all fake promises. Ask the whole world blame on my temper but as long as God knows I didn't do anything behind your back. Its useless for you to change your passwords and etc, well, from the moment i got to know you did that, I felt that im not interesting to get to know about your stuff anymore. Well, whats the meaning of being together if you wana hide all this from me. LAME.

All i can say is patience. i will be patient, but patience has its limit. U lied to me alot. I do not wish to u label u as a liar. So why are u blaming on me that i dont trust you? Y cant you think of yourself, wat makes me not to trust you ? I want to trust you, but i canot. Think of yourself, why i cant. The whole damn house of residents 511 can blame me and i really dont care. As i mentioned, God knows.

I said I LOVE YOU , and i do, but sorry to say, after this, my loves starts to reduce. Im so sorry, i just cannot accept it. It really depend on you on future, its okay for me to lose you, but at the end, somehow someone else will do the same damn thing to you as what you did to me. Now, my message to you is, whatever you want to do is go ahead. God bless you. Im not a stupid bloody fool for you to play with dude. After u read this, u dont have to explain to me, cos im tired of everything. again and again. You thought you are the one who cant bare with my temper, what about me? How can i bare with your lies?

p/s if you treat me good, i will definitely will treat you good. but if you lie and playing a fool with me, come on, then lets play this game.

only then I can feel how stressful to be in Kampar. only then I can feel that Kampar is not a place for me. I miss my ipoh friends.. I don't feel happy happy here. the only thing i felt is stress,boring and emoness.the first thing i felt every time i opened my eyes in the morning is "what meeting gonna be next", "wat time is my class" and etcetera.

i just wish time can pass by quickly, so i can leave this place, and start on with my new life and career.may God bless me. i am gonna be the st ever historical person in my family to mk my mum proud of me. the only thing who really makes me worried is Louie. mum is willing to take care of this little evil, but I'm pretty sure that she is going to scold him a lot, cos he is very naughty. but yet, he is still a good friend, good companion n good son for me. I love him very much. Hehe so cute. He is the one who can really make me laugh and smile. God bless this little notti poody.Sometimes i wonder if theres a chance for my children in future to meet with their mummy's best friend. i hope it does.

Miss Malaysia Earth and Miss Malaysia Model is going to be held around this middle of the year. Many people has been asking whether i will join, and the answer is No, because im busy my stuff which i can never let go. If i could, then i would. Sorry if i ever made my fans dissapointed, but I will try my best to make it to you guys for the next round of the competition. and i will 'beautify my self'. ^^ Thank you for the support and votes last competition which made me into the second higher votes in miss popularity. i had never expected this, because i think there are lots more prettier babes than me out there. But anyway, THANK YOU!

Ok thats all for today, i havent wash my face yet. so see u LOL

Thank You. I Love You

Hello everyone, this time i'm going to write a long post here. Have u guys ever been in a situation where u don't feel any securities with the environment around? Well, i'm not sure why i have this kind of feelings, maybe its because of things i saw with my own eyes, and i cant forget it. It affects me a lot. How much i wish that i could forget about it, but unfortunately i couldn't. Thanked God friends are around when i need them the most. I am not so sure how long i can bare with this kinda feelings, but if lets say i don't see any changes, i'm just going to let go with everything i have now. I dont see love, all i see is SELFISH in ourselves. Maybe this what we should do, if we loves ourselves more than anyone around. I am going to change my mind soon, i am going to let go, because its hurting me day by day if lets say i still don't see any changes.

I am in pain, but who knows. All i can do is to cry to you, my blog. Physically and mentally. I still holding on because i know friends and family are there for me. Thank you Jenny, thank you Mun Yoong, thank you Adele, thank you my son Louie and the rest whom really helps me out and accompany me. At least I felt happy and comfortable with u guys. You see i dont really talk to others about my stuff because I dont like others to interfere my personal stuff at times. You guys helped me alot and brighten up my days. Of course im missing u all at all times.

Now baby, i want you to know that i can no longer hold it. I am in a real pain. I dont know what to say to you, but all i know is that i hope u are serious in our relationship. Even if you dont, just let me know and i will know what to do. I Love you still .

Yesterday was a bad day, my body ache, my blood doesn't pass through i think. At one time, i know im dizzy but i still keep on walking, because i know Darren is there, Wai Kit is there, and Chee Soon is there. Even if i really fainted, they will be there. Dont really know how to explain it here, but it hurts. So uncomfortable.

I also would like to take this opportunity to apologies to those whom i cant lepak with them during my CNY. Im so sorry , i will make it to you guys next time okay ?

Well what else...Let me think.. O ya, of course i wana thank you Justin Yow Yong Hwa. you are always my brother who will listen this sister, who understands me well. I felt comfortable to tell you everything. You will always be my good brother. I'll keep you in my heart. I love you.

Mummy, I Love You the most of all. Your are my angel who will always protect me. God bless you. i love you i love you i love you.

p/s :our time are not so long, dats why i take this opportunity to say thank you and to appreciate everything and everyone. thank you. i love you all.

Today, Khong Lai Jing's news somehow upset me alot. may God bless her. too bad im not an O positive type. but even if i am, i cant do anything. Itt reminds me of myself. the only difference is she got thalassemia, and im anemia. if it goes worst, it can become leukemia. but all i wana say is that God loves us for sure, you and me, dear lai jing. even i dont really know you well. stay strong and stay tough. i saw u wrote 'i am in pain'. yea i noe dat kinda feeling. been thru it, hospital pantai n hospital fatimah. Lifes still goes on, people out there all does cares and loves you, so no matter how, stay strong.

My heart is crying actually to see dis kinda thing happen. erm perhaps Gods loves us more. anyway u will have a long life ahead. i'll pray for you every nite before i sleep.

God is with us. No worries, rest well

To stay or not to stay

days passes by, and im still thinking whether i shall stay or shall i leave.
Im not gonna change because of anyone. If i could, i would rather choose to be a flirty type of girl. LOL. its more fun to chat around these kinda way. but i guess its childish and immature behavior.
well all im gonna do is just to focus on my studies, and yes im gonna graduate soon. final year in dis unsophisticated and lapuk and ulu place.

Not gonna think of anyone anymore. Just let it be. and let TIME proves everything. all im gonna focus is who is my future hubby. LOl i noe its kinda stupid, but yeah i wondered that before. and i wish my hubby gonna loves me and cares for me for all his life, cos im gona do the same thing to him. I also hope he can understand me, and just let me do anything i want, as long as it doesnt hurt him. Hehe v shall see who is the lucky one. O yeah i wish my hubby is a good listener who can comfort me well. waiting for your existence hubby. I wan you to be my shelter.

okok back to real life, im happy cos im not those sweet talkers who can charm guys around by just fb-ing and chatting with thm. if thy feel so, i would say THANK YOU lol. just wana be back myself thats d most important thing. hehehe. i guess the way i charm others is by showing my messiness, my dirtyness and my ugliness.hehe and if thy accept me, yeah i would say WElcome to my world. if not thn GET lOST. lol. afterall, be yourself. hehe

if it comes to love, i would say that the only person i really love and care is my mum. lalala~~sorry to be selfish if i dont mention any1 here. i put my mum on top of the list.

CNY is coming and hell yeah everybody is like damn happy with it. but not me instead. dono y. but im glad i can be good girl again to help mum during dis cny eventhough i dont have the oppurtunity to celebrate like others does.Thank God for giving me more time and chances to help my mum and for me to show that i loves her. therefore no cny clothes for me.I rather save it to buy some formal clothes. cos no point to wear new clothes to help mum. but anyway happy cny to you guys, enjoy to the max okay.

p/s I LOVE YOU MUM. i will try to accompany you as much as i could, and to see you happy everyday. your smile is the most important after all. dont worry about me, cos even though im not strong as you,. im sure that im in the process of learning to be a more tougher person. MUACKS

i hate liars

Y must pple tell lies? Just to cover up and to protect thr images.. some are even so silly tht thy dont know that others know the truth bout him/herself. Lies doesnt work, but honesty does. U cant win any1's heart by telling them lies. Instead, try to be honest with them, and u will see the difference. the more lies u tell , the more others gonna sit, watch, and enjoy ur lies, laugh at you, because they noe about the truth. Isnt this pathetic?

Instead of maintaining or to cover up ur secrets by telling lies, why not, tell them the truth. for example, u got 50% for ur paper but u boasted to others that u got 100%. @@ oh gosh. wat a childish lie, i could say. That is not going to help you to maintain your image. Trust me. i will just gonna sit and watch and view, how you, as a real person is. Dont feel like knowing a fake person. It makes me feeling so fake too.

Few days had passed after our semester starts... Everything stays the same... But yet.. things had also changed. Well i know i cant force and i can do anything so that things wont change. I have the feeling im not goning to be happy. and yea i admit that im not happy. I hope that im someone strong, i Hope that i can forgive and forget everything had happened...bt its hard. God pls help me. Im crying for you. Yor are the only one who truely understands bout me.

Things can change very fast.... even humans.. well cant blame tht. i guess thts human nature. If i can turn back time, i would choose not to be here. i mean on earth. Is hard to pretend to smile infrnt of everyone while my hearts hurts deeply. oh gosh i can never explain to you how the pain was. but is PAIN

hmm i keep telling myself i hvto b strong whatever it takes. God please help. im no longer a happy children on this earth anymore..... Take me if You can.