doom day

once again, i cried after thinking bout nanny. i managed to eat not even 5 spoons of noodles for my brunch, n not even one pack of maggi for dinner. guess i jz hv no appetite on eating today.

boring..hate to b alone. fuck u damn in loneliness. jenny's friend committed suicide. n yeah no 1 noes the real reason for its actions. but i hv no idea y sumhow it crossed my mind on suicide.

stupid utar ttble is jz damn pack... mummy crying everyday... due to her disappointment on sum of the family members... i guess thy r jz trouble makers, since ive heard many of them complaining bout thm.

im just freaking boring n lonely here. take me away someone please. earth is nothing interesting.

20-10-2010

2010 2010...everyone mentioned it was a good date...but for me its definitely not.. nanny passed away on this day at about 5.49pm.... n i went down with my baby n kent to klang the next day... tears rolled down when i saw nanny's body in the living room...

funeral process took place...kneel down every nite to pay respect for nanny... i just couldnt stand it, so i sat down on the floor... thnks for my laziness, i got injected the next day. my urine was full of blood. i can see tht my baby was kinda shocked i guess whn he saw my red urine. its all bcause i was too heaty... n i cough for like 3 weeks non stop..until today.

due to the stupid utar short sem, v hv to rush our assignments like hell, n i cant even see my nanny for the last moment... here i would like to take this oppurtunity to FUCK UTAR!. YOU GAVE US 7 WEEKS N YET V HV SO MANY ASSIGNMENTS TO DO. CANT YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT??!

well i guess its my st time to complain n fuck utar tis time... rushed back to kampar, waited for kwang chen.... n here i would lk to apologise to him, cos i showed my dislk faces for waiting him...its all bcause i seriously damn fuckin tired ...n uncomfortable... aft 30 minutes, thanked God he appeared...rushed dwn to ipoh to buy all neccessary items for the next day fucking lame video shooting assignments.

i hv to admit eventhough its tiring, it was a good experience. went to kellies castle... n i started to down aft some shoots....i act slpt off at kellies castle, in a haunted place??!

i started fever there...till now... but its all ok for me... its jz tht i cant pay my respect to nanny for the very last time....for seeing her faces, her body...for the damn vv last time on earth...
well, u will b always in my heart... i miss my nanny so much...she crossed my mind for few times whn i slp....i miss u nanny...

Expand The Horizon ...

im 22 now. its been 5 years since anemia followed me. and im lucky tht im still in a good condition...Doc always says.. u have to be happy and u must not tension . i know family n friends are worrying bout me, as they say my nose bled, and blood came from my throat n ears.. well, all i can say is relax, im cool here. its does not hurts me. well if God loves me, He would take me with Him. so do not be sad because God loves me.

i was in klang last week, and no1 knows my doctor consulted me. He said , if this continues on, he need me to stay in hospital...it also means tht i hv to take injections again. oh gosh @@.. but no worries cos it does not hurts. my skin is now thicker thn an elephant i guess... zzzz

brother kips reminds me tht no1 will buy coffin for me if i leave this world. that is so mean of him. but all i know is bcos he cares for me... Baby doesnt know all this...Jenny doesnt knnow all this... same goes to yong ren, tian mi mi...is just because i think i loves them, and i canot let them worry about me too much. so i just decided to jot it here... once again sorry dearies. because i didnt tell anyone of you. i jotted it down here so at least if anything happen, u all can find hints from here... but choi, it wont happen to me, cos im still young....

another sad thing, my 'bed mate' used to be my friend, v have similarities that both of us hving the same sickness. well, she passed awy ...Doc told me... RIP, girl.... dont be sad... hmm take me along if ure lonely. cos im a bit worried and scared to b alone... im worried tht i will get lost there..i remember i did sum stupid stuff on a paper n u kept it in ur pocket. lol.... i did a cool signature using my blood stain ... its a bit creepy, but i guess both of us didnt gives a damn on tht.cos v both dont pantang anything....

well... i know i might be the next, for im prepared. the only thing i rly cant let go is my family , baby n friends here.... well but i think i still can watch thm even if im not here...ngek ngek ngek...so dont gossip me whn im gone.... lolz jk jk...

honestly, my cough kills me... blood ... blood blood... as if im a vampire drinking blood because i can taste evry drip of the blood in my throat....hmm.....


but no worries im alrite so far..

p/s : i have a friend , and He is God. I have Father, and He is God..
God loves me. He loves you too.
hehe

its 4.49 pm now and since im not sleepy, i decided to jot down stuff here... hmm... i see many of thm out there claiming thmselves as a model nowadays...and u can see it through facebook...just to tell the truth but no offense... being a model is not only about photoshoot... any1 can have their own photoshoot. whether at indoor or outdoor...

im still a lucky girl i guess, n im thanking God and Star Avenue for this great oppurtunity to hv me as thr model... ive started my career after i joined miss tourism 2010... I-Make Production had a great chances for me as they welcome me to join their free modelling classes, with free photoshoots.. but i didnt joined based on some personal reasons...

Miss Model 2010 and Miss Earth 2010 was a great oppurtunity for all the models to show their talent, to prove that we are not only based on physically, but yet, self esteem n self confidence are the two important tools to b a great model.

as a model now, i still can mange to handle my studies, as my studies gets to improve dis sem... i proved evryone tht thr thinking of being a model might ruin my studies... they are totally wrong...hmm... loves to do shows, i dont know why... its not about how much i got paid aft every show, but it was my interest to join all the shows, from hair show, fashion show, bridal show, make up show...n etc..


i cant wait for the next make up show at ipoh parade on 7th november 2010... sty tuned and see u thr...

klang

im visiting klang again and its not a real good visit for me because nanny has been sick ...shes being hospitalized...hopefully evrythings gona b fine. well, as usual im a little girl thr...evry1 treated me as if im soooo innocent who noe nothing... hmm...i guess its a good thing and i rly appreciate it cos it shows that thy loves me lotz.

im oso glad that my b is doing fine in cheras. im speechless whn i saw evrything tht he wrote in his blog about me... im glad to have him to sty next to me. n im missing him alot.
as usual, i got nothing much to say, the only thing i can share with u guys is about my feelings, cos the feeling of tension is getting nearer.... results releasing very soon...

rly hope tht it will b just fine. i didnt hope for much .


thats all frm me buhbye ...

-jess-

My heart is crying

If you really know me, you should know how i feels. I felt exactly the same like you, maybe even more worse than that. Cos its not me who started it at the beginning. I have no comment, and im speechless. yes, it might be small matter, but for me it isnt.

Guess you hvnt understand me fully yet... thats all i can say. I wont want to have anything to distract me anymore, for im tired with all this. So from now onwards, i will not care anymore.

Someone who i truely deeply missing...

"Be a good girl, listen to your mum, study well"... that's the 3 famous sentences which has been uttered from his mouth for years..since i was a kid. i can remember clearly his tall body figure, hugging me.. i can remember the scar of his back.. i still hear his voice in my heart until today.. and i remember his face, his looks ..everything of him being kept in my heart, which i will never let go. there is only one word which i can able to say to him, "i miss you".

4am is the time where he used to called me.. to know how am i..what am i doing...duh, of cos i am sleeping that time, having me rest on my bed.. 27th July 2005, Bukit Jalil, Kl, i was staying there to have fun with mum's friend's children... and there it goes.. phone rang exactly at 4am. i remember i picked up the call, happily to listen to his voice.. his comfortable voice. without asking much, i act got a small lecture from him, asking why i didnt stay at my own place... and so and so..

i remember i was tired , n i answered him ' lets just talk about this tomorrow okay, i will explain to you tomorrow'. and i hung up the call, n i continue to sleep.. day goes by.. wondering y he didn't called me... he knew that i couldn't call him back because i couldn't retrieve his contact number. 0000, that is the number who used to call me every night.

25th august 2005, library, ipoh, 2.36pm , i received a call from Stoney, my god brother, telling me that, he had an accident , and passed away with another four friends... i was terribly shocked, tears rolled down from my eyes, through my cheeks...i cried, and i was stunt.

i remember Nurmala, my classmate sent me home using her scooter.. i told mum.. n i cried... mum was stunt...reached home, and i saw the news of him at ntv7... Ang Kar Hao , 25 and the rest passed away in a tragic accident...at kuantan.

26th august 2005, went back to klang to attend his funeral.... my tears started to rolled non stop when i see his face, sleeping restlessly in the coffin. his coffin that time was filled with my tears... everyone did comfort me, but reached failure...i just couldn't control myself...

if i have the ability to turn back times, i will never hung up his call... i would rather let him to nag on me...i miss you, brother. if u see this, i would want to let you know, i am a big girl now, i am 22 years old now... i got good results in my smp and stpm...and where is my presents which you had promised me..... i want you to protect me. and i want to let you know that u will always be my hero in my heart. dont worry, have a good rest, im good here, Jesper, Stoney, and the rest of the cousins are taking good care of me. i wish to see u again.. i know its not gonna be long, an we going to meet up soon. take care, i will take care here as well, so i can meet u again.

i love you. rest in peace. THOUSAND HUGS!

Long lost and found

its been like a year since i jot down my stupid essays here.
due to my forgetful memories. i cant even remember my id n password.
and now ive retrived it.
thanks to my email account directing me to retrive back to this blogspot.
as usual , life is boring, stying at kampar while others all happily enjoy thr sem break at the hometown.

anyway i hv no regrets uz i went thru a wonderful moment n memories with my friends n beloved.
oh gosh, i dont call myself as a blogger. cos i dont rly blog.
well , i will tell u more bout my stories whn im bored.
p/s ': i noe dis like so lame. lol pls forgive me. muahahaha