Again and again the feeling striking me, attacking me. I wish i could stop all this. I felt so tired. IM TIRED. felt not appreciated. we r jz so different..

Convinced that life in a physical body is meant to be an ecstatic experience.

It's also helpful to realize that this very body that we have, that's sitting right here right now... with its aches and it pleasures... is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive -Pema Chodron-

I live in company with a body, a silent companion, exacting and eternal.

Eugene Delacroix (1798 - 1863)

Love this two quotes. Tiring day. I have not eaten, but i dont feel hungry. All i need now is to rest.
And no matter how it is, i believe in my own body's ability. I can do it. I knew it. I'll pamper my body, by giving her a sufficient rest. Good night to my body. Rest well.

A New Hope

I saw one of my friend's quote ;

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." (Beverly Flanigan)

Well said. Past is past, life have to still go on no matter what. It seem like im still holding on, but frankly, i admit that i still cant find my 100% feelings towards you. Im sorry. Maybe it takes time. It dont really comfort me even though we have this suggestion to look over on you. How long can i control you?

I hope everything which has passed will be the last, and it will never happen again. I really realized that different people has different thinking. Others might be saying 'no, i think you are wrong, or vice versa, but the truth of what happened only god knows. Im still me, and i will still be myself. I wont change because of anyone. That's me. Jess. All i can say is it really depends on future, what will happen next. I do hope that we can get married, who doesnt hope for that, unless that particular person is playing with you.

All i can say i just want to be myself, and i wont change this perception. I will change automatically as i grow elder. So i hope no one will judge anything. I will for sure welcome you if you want to be my listener. We dont force someone to change, it takes time. I guess everyone understand this. If you like yeah you are welcomed. But if you dislike, 'hey i didnt ask you to be here'. Guess it shows what i mean. Im me, i have my own thinking, own perceptions.

Okay back to the topic, I love you, and i hope you will never hurt me again. Thats all. smple message from me.

Im awake

Im not going to change my mind anymore. No more. For what you have done, i have tried to forgive, and forget many times. I hope that im wrong, but people is estimating that, because you and she doing so and saying so. I dont care what is your connection between you both. I dont care if you told others about our relationship. I hope im wrong that mostly your so called girl friends are all great "sluts" who wish to destroy other people's relationship.

I will never change my mind , no matter how good you will be. After all it depend on my feelings. I hope that i will not got fed up with you. I still hope that i can treat you good but there's no guarantee. I will let you go if you want. Always remember that God loves you and He created us, therefore u should learn not to hurt God's creation as how you wish that I wont hurt you. God bless you.

p/s: IT HURTS ME. THANK YOU AND NOW IM AWAKE.

Let bygones be bygones

Sometimes i really dont understand what humans want. When somebody is doing things which you dislike, u mock, u blame, somehow you dont feel happy with it. And when that person realized it, and she wish to change everything, that's the time you don't want her to change. you want her to control you, you want her to love you.. Isn't that unfair? well, what i can say is past is past, now is now, and future is future. I am myself, is not that i don't give you chances, and if i really don't, i will just leave you.

The fact is, i don't want to turn back to the last pit that we had stopped, but yet, i wish to move on to a better n more comfortable pit. I found it useless to do all that silly things, to control you and everything. Frankly, i am much more comfortable now compared to last time. I will not control you, go ahead and whatever you like, and if you wish to leave me, than just do it. I will not stop you. Is just that i wish that you can treat your partner better in future. Try telling truth instead of telling lies.

I guess you know im already get tired with it. I do not want to hear your reasons anymore, and i do not wish to know whatever u dont wish to tell me. I guess that is better that way. Both has their own limits, their own way of living, and their own privacy. I will know what i shall do next. My thought before this was to able to be together with someone, we need to learn to share. "Sharing is Caring".

Couples should share everything. If not, why some of them is having sex? Isn't that the most important element of privacy? However, my thought started to change. I will not share everything with you anymore. Whatever i think i should tell, I will tell. Same goes to if i dont think its necessary to tell, I wont. I think its better this way, even though you dislike it and regretted it. All i can say is im sorry im not Jesus Christ.

Is not that i don't forgive you, I do, its just the matter of patience. I will uphold for this relationship as long as i could, but however, patience has its limit. Everyone understand that. Tiring to hear all reasons and nonsense. No more

p/s: to love someone is not just to be able to make him/her to trust you, to love someone is how sharing and caring you are to him/her. to love someone you should learn to comprehend his/her thought and actions.

If you dont, than i dont think its love. Its selfish if your thought is not to let your beloved to stay in comfort. Its selfish if you keep hurting her over and over again. Think about it.

Patience Has Its Limit

I dont want to listen to your reasons anymore, because im extremely tired with all fake promises. Ask the whole world blame on my temper but as long as God knows I didn't do anything behind your back. Its useless for you to change your passwords and etc, well, from the moment i got to know you did that, I felt that im not interesting to get to know about your stuff anymore. Well, whats the meaning of being together if you wana hide all this from me. LAME.

All i can say is patience. i will be patient, but patience has its limit. U lied to me alot. I do not wish to u label u as a liar. So why are u blaming on me that i dont trust you? Y cant you think of yourself, wat makes me not to trust you ? I want to trust you, but i canot. Think of yourself, why i cant. The whole damn house of residents 511 can blame me and i really dont care. As i mentioned, God knows.

I said I LOVE YOU , and i do, but sorry to say, after this, my loves starts to reduce. Im so sorry, i just cannot accept it. It really depend on you on future, its okay for me to lose you, but at the end, somehow someone else will do the same damn thing to you as what you did to me. Now, my message to you is, whatever you want to do is go ahead. God bless you. Im not a stupid bloody fool for you to play with dude. After u read this, u dont have to explain to me, cos im tired of everything. again and again. You thought you are the one who cant bare with my temper, what about me? How can i bare with your lies?

p/s if you treat me good, i will definitely will treat you good. but if you lie and playing a fool with me, come on, then lets play this game.

only then I can feel how stressful to be in Kampar. only then I can feel that Kampar is not a place for me. I miss my ipoh friends.. I don't feel happy happy here. the only thing i felt is stress,boring and emoness.the first thing i felt every time i opened my eyes in the morning is "what meeting gonna be next", "wat time is my class" and etcetera.

i just wish time can pass by quickly, so i can leave this place, and start on with my new life and career.may God bless me. i am gonna be the st ever historical person in my family to mk my mum proud of me. the only thing who really makes me worried is Louie. mum is willing to take care of this little evil, but I'm pretty sure that she is going to scold him a lot, cos he is very naughty. but yet, he is still a good friend, good companion n good son for me. I love him very much. Hehe so cute. He is the one who can really make me laugh and smile. God bless this little notti poody.Sometimes i wonder if theres a chance for my children in future to meet with their mummy's best friend. i hope it does.

Miss Malaysia Earth and Miss Malaysia Model is going to be held around this middle of the year. Many people has been asking whether i will join, and the answer is No, because im busy my stuff which i can never let go. If i could, then i would. Sorry if i ever made my fans dissapointed, but I will try my best to make it to you guys for the next round of the competition. and i will 'beautify my self'. ^^ Thank you for the support and votes last competition which made me into the second higher votes in miss popularity. i had never expected this, because i think there are lots more prettier babes than me out there. But anyway, THANK YOU!

Ok thats all for today, i havent wash my face yet. so see u LOL